reality

do you ever feel like you self-monitor when you blog? I think I second guess myself too much, and sometimes I feel like using this space as a journal, but I try to pull myself back at the last minute.
I was so excited about quitting my job, but then this weekend the fear started to creep back in. I start worrying, "Can I really do this? What about the security of teaching? I'll be a one woman sweat shop, and I'll never be able to take a week off"...etc. etc. I need that confidence to well up inside me and take over, and sometimes it's hard to find. There is such a fear of the unknown.
We had a guest pastor speak at church this weekend, and he works with at-risk youth here in Omaha. His message was about actually allowing yourself to dream, and how it's so easy for us as humans to let past disappointments kind of numb us to the point where we don't even think things are possible anymore.
Maybe that's why I have always related to children better than adults. They are less censoring of themselves (if I said that right), and they are still in that place where they dream and imagine totally outrageous things sometimes. But many situations in my childhood have caused me to lose that inner child at times. I need to let her live sometimes.
I can remember laying in the grass as a kid and gazing at the cloudy blue sky, and finding shapes and animals in the puffiness. It's important for us to still allow ourselves to lay in the grass, and let time slow down for a bit.
Maybe spring has me dreaming of the lazy days of summer already. I don't know, as I realize that I'm REALLY getting older now, this is for real, that I don't want life to pass me by without dreaming and enjoying... and living.
I think for a long time I was scared to really live. Fear of public speaking (MAJOR- still have it), intense fear whenever I fly, fear of the water (I failed swimming lessons at 11), among other fears... it's just fear of living. I am realizing I can't control every variable that could ever happen to me. I can't control everything. Wow, is this post turning into one of those self-enlightened moments? Basically though, trying to control everything means that I... what am I afraid of really?
Well, at least at this point in my life I'm learning to play. I posted a while back on letting more color into my life, and not being so neutral. I think allowing myself to do that means I'm not as scared to be seen or noticed. The color is really exploding now-

my husband is like, wow, you're really into the pinks and greens, aren't you? He thinks it's pretty (in his caveman sort of way), but I really think that having a shop and creating on a more regular basis than I did before has brought out more confidence to try new things - and more colors. I guess normal people don't equate color to happiness, but it makes total sense to me.